Empty Nester Won’t Miss List

With a little over a month left until my son heads off to college, the countdown has really begun. Reality has set in as our guest bed has become a storage unit for dorm necessities. As with other big milestones, the operational mode of getting my son ready for college helps quiet the anxiety for now. I was recently chatting with my father who raised my older sister and myself as a single father (with some guidance from my now step mom) about his experience. He said when my stepmom asked him how he was feeling after I went to college being the last, he said it went according to plan. I got them both to college. He said she asked the same question about 12 times over trying to uncover the real feelings, but my dad kept answering the same. We both chuckled knowing he was also in operational mode and likely too painful to address how he really felt aside from the relief from not having to deal with a typical high school teenager.

While the heartbreak will come soon enough and the end of the daily bedtime hugs (yes, I still make him do this), I thought it would be therapeutic to go through the things I will NOT miss:

• The amount of paper towels he goes through on a daily basis that stresses me out working for a sustainable company

• Interruptions when he gets home from school while I’m in a meeting asking if there’s anything to eat when the fridge and freezer are full

• Mystery colds that only happen in the school year that don’t seem to surface in summer months

• Multiple trips to a grocery store because teenagers eat about 20x a day

• Trying to be on time with a teenager

• Electric, internet, and food bills

• Waiting for something/anything to get done

• Waking up to messy counters after leaving them clean

• Recycling, composting, and garbage never in the right place

• Waiting 45 minutes to get into the bathroom

• The bathroom…

-BT

If you want to hear more on soon to be empty nesters check out our podcast Empty Nest is No Joke podcast.

Graduation Grief

Some time last summer, with my son entering his senior year of high school, I started tracking all of the ‘last time’ events in my head and sometimes aloud. This is the ‘last’ first-day photo of high school, this is the ‘last’ time for back-to-school night, this is the ‘last’ winter break of high school and so forth.

For the past 3 1/2 years on school mornings (1/2 year he was remote due to COVID), I would start by softly waking up my son and within 15 minutes it’s escalated to loud and sometimes, yelling voice (and yes, we understand he should be waking himself up but that’s another subject). Then he begrudgingly gets in the shower while I prepare his to-go coffee. Not the best way to start a morning, but by the time we are in the car we’ve both acted like that daily scene never happened. As I was putting away his to-go coffee cup after this ‘last’ morning, I nearly lost it. That damn coffee cup represented another ‘last time’ that even with the painful memories with getting him out the door, I knew I would miss this sometimes brutal routine one day soon.

Many of my friends are already empty nesters or have sent off their first kid to college but not until last year when Tubby’s first went to college, did I start to comprehend the pain my husband, myself and our dog would be in for. To raise someone with the idea that day by day you are preparing them to leave you at some point is a wild concept to me. To be so close both physically and emotionally with someone daily only to have them leave is one of the most heartbreaking things to me. My rational self understands that this next journey will be so fulfilling for our son and for us to experience it with him second-hand, but for now I’m in Graduation Grief skipping the first couple of stages and heading straight to depression.

As we celebrated his commencement this past weekend, the actual day was full of anticipation, excitement and pride. The next day I did one of my typical runs around Golden Gate Park, but this time it felt like a review of his childhood with every memory feeling like a dull ache to the heart. I ran by his youth soccer fields where my husband coached him for 9 years, the facility where they held his pre-school Halloween party, different meadows we celebrated his birthdays, and walks around the park when we first got his beloved dog.

I remember back when my son was little, we would be out and about as a family of 3 and middle-aged couples would just smile in fondness but there was always something a little sad that I couldn’t pinpoint. This past year I realize I’ve started doing the same stare. Some of our neighbors have young families and the laughter, crying, and playing can be heard on a daily basis. It’s so joyful but also a reminder of my son’s childhood that seem to whip by us. At the time, I remember being so sleep deprived and bombarded by weekend parties and team practice that I didn’t fully enjoy the moment. There were days I remember saying I couldn’t wait to get past this stage. Well, I’m finally past that stage and now wishing I could just have a few of those moments back. Everyone says it goes by so quickly and here we are 18 years later saying the same thing.

Congrats to the class of 2024 whatever your next adventure may be. I’m looking forward to the Acceptance stage.

-BT

Mother’s Day carries a shit ton of weight

With Mother's Day on the horizon, the joy it brings to some is matched by the ache it evokes in others. Reflecting on my post from 2012, following the passing of my mentally ill mother, I find myself mostly cherishing the moments shared with my son but also mourning the moments lost with my own mother.

—------

September, 2012

As I sit here grieving for my mother who passed away recently, the day before my sister’s wedding to be exact, my thoughts and pain are unlike most bereavement I have experienced.  Since I remember, she was in and out of mental institutions, had shock therapy treatments and was on medication to help her to try to live a ‘normal’ life with schizophrenia. For the most part, my sister and I have very few happy memories of our childhood.  After years of trying to help my mother, my father had to finally let go and they divorced when I was 12 years old. The relief and the guilt I felt was immense.

Through my twenties, I struggled with issues from eating disorders to obsessive-compulsive disorders as to gain control of my life that I didn’t have growing up. I was afraid of intimacy and more importantly, becoming my mother. My sister experienced similar issues, which also affected her self-esteem and relationships. I believe it was even harder on my sister because she bore the brunt of the older sibling. Our relationship with each other was extremely tumultuous, as we couldn’t move on from our past and our roles growing up.

We are now in our 40’s and have a very close relationship. It was an arduous and long journey but through different measures, we both were able to move forward and now recognize and laugh about our idiosyncrasies. I am happily married and will be celebrating my 10-year anniversary with my husband. My sister recently found her life partner and we just celebrated their wedding. We live on separate coasts but I was still able to be a large part of the wedding planning details and honored to be her Matron of Honor. I flew home earlier than my husband and son so I could help her with the coordination and last minute details. At 3:00 am, officially the day before the wedding, my sister came into my room to let me know our ailing mother had died. She had been in a long term facility and doing well for the last 4 years until the past few months when she took a turn for the worse. 

We agreed to make the funeral arrangements and then to stop talking about it until after the wedding.  As my sister and I were both cursing at my Mom for the timing and one very final memory of the obstacles she had put forth on us (even though our rational side understood it was the disease not her), our close friends and family all shared similar thoughts. They believed this was my Mom’s way of setting my sister free and allowing her to start afresh with her new life and husband. I am not a very religious person, but at the same time it is hard to not think this was the power of something bigger given the timing related to the wedding and that my sister and I were together when usually on opposite coasts.

The same morning a good friend’s mother passed away. It was hard not to dwell on how different our grieving experiences were even though the pain was probably similar. He was grieving the moments he will no longer be able to share together and I was grieving over the moments we never shared together. 

-BT

From Hating to Embracing Birthdays

I’m not really sure when it started, but at some point in late teens/early adulthood I stopped liking my birthdays. It would stress me out weeks before when friends and family asked what I was doing or even worst, did I want to get together with them. I remember a college friend visiting and my husband telling her stories how he would plan surprise trips early in our early dating years and I would just refuse to go. She was like “Yeah, she would never let us do anything for her birthday.” My husband is the opposite extreme. He loves his birthday. He loves to celebrate. He wants the big party. I’m in total awe. I love planning his parties and seeing the absolute joy he has being celebrated by his friends both in person and on social media (where I delete any indication of my birthday). Ironically, well maybe not so ironically, Tubby also has BAS (Birthday Avoidance Syndrome) a topic we’ve never deep dived into why we both have it, but I’m sure the origins are similar. Perhaps for a future podcast.

When our son started to get old enough to understand I got a little weird on my birthdays, I had to start faking it but I remember I would be exhausted and cranky the end of the day trying to hide it. So much for faking it as a parent. The one thing I could commit to was running races. For my 40th, I ran the Boston Marathon and for other non-milestone birthdays, some sort of road race. Since running is my therapy, I knew that would at least give me temporary relief.

Fast forward to about 7 years ago, I had a serious enough health issue that gave me pause to hating my birthdays. I remember a colleague (who I still work with) said you know you should look at it as ‘The opposite of a birthday is not having a birthday.” It hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me stop with the wallowing around my birthday and completely changed my outlook. I’m lucky to have a birthday. As you get older, you are inundated with news about friends and family members either passing on or who were struck with a serious illness or accident. That’s part of aging and part of the natural cycle of life. In some cases, the event has a positive turn; e.g. a few weeks ago a friend of a close friend, world got turned around when their college freshman daughter was cycling and was hit by a car, fighting for her life and is slowing recovering. Life is precious. Life is short. I’m lucky to have a birthday.

So now, I celebrate myself. I still don’t like big parties or dinners, but I love to make it special and ‘allow’ my husband and son to as well.

So here’s to another birthday!

-BT

The Making of the Gap Girls

This podcast was a long time coming. For at least 3 years, Tubby and I said we should turn our phone conversations into a podcast. It’s not that we thought we were all that, it was because we were constantly having conversations about aging, parenting, and everything in between and wondering is everyone else having these conversations? Why aren’t there more people talking about what really goes on in life and how heartbreaking or humorous or unbelievable it can be. I mean, we would dive into subjects and share the most intimate thoughts without any judgement. We both have a lot of anxieties and the relief to talk incessantly about our latest worries was so soothing to each other.

We met working at Gap Inc corporate headquarters in San Francisco more than 26 years ago. I had moved from New York City and had worked in the stores. It was a big change to be in corporate life. I was eager to make friends as I had only knew of a few people from NYC that had moved to corporate but wasn’t close with them. I remember seeing Tubby around and thinking she was aloof because she was so beautiful and quiet. As it turns out, she is slightly introverted, quirky, super inclusive, and one of the funniest and nicest people I know. I’m so glad I was wrong and shame on me for judging. We’ve been through a lot together from our marriages, death of parents, cancer, kids and all that brings, and watching the tragic news of 9/11 at a restaurant. Our nicknames BT (AKA Deb) and Tubby (AKA Barb) originate from Barb’s husband which is a story for another day.

As we’ve gotten older, we have been navigating the journey that goes along with aging from our bodies that don’t respond to our discipline anymore to the freedom of not giving a crap nearly as much about external opinions. At the same time, our kids are in high school and college and we are all preparing ourselves for the next chapter of our lives. When we finally launched in March 2023, we officially took our therapy session to The Gap Girls Podcast.

We thank you for joining the ride. Follow us on Instagram.

A Look Back as a Seasoned Mom

INTIMACY - In this perspective piece we talk with Deb DeFanti, co-host of The Gap Girls, a podcast that dives headfirst into the wild world of parenting, aging, and everything in between. Deb as a seasoned mom, gives her answers to some questions that those of us who are in the thick of the little kid years are always dying to know.

Full post on Caitlin Murray’s Soul Snacks by Big Time Adulting (@bigtimeadulting)

A Look Back as a Seasoned Mom